Archive for ‘Dan’

November 30, 2019

‘Corrupt Carols’ (another free download)

by Rhyme In Time

Now that turkey day has passed behind us (or passed thru our behinds), in the mood for some twisted takes on those hideous holiday favorites?

My gift (or perhaps curse) to you for being supportive readers and followers: Corrupt Carols.

Free this Saturday and Sunday (11/30-12/1)

Wishing you a Grinchley good holiday season,
-Dan

rhymeintimeblog.wordpress.com

November 28, 2019

Tom Turkey’s Black Friday Rampage (conclusion)

by Rhyme In Time

angry-turkey-300x290

And now, the climactic second half of Tom Turkey’s retail assail (first half here)…

The giant, pissed off turkey is in a shopping mall during Black Friday, about to enter a department store to wreak some havoc.

Flinging victims more with swinging chin sack
Tom strutted on, to serve more turkey payback.

The first to see him spritzed him with perfume,
And offered free makeover looks to bloom.
The turkey’s giant pecker soon dispatched
The girl, then spat out bones and blonde hair thatch.

The other beauty mavens quickly scattered,
Be-misted as their perfume counters shattered.
Tom, now smelling like a willing date,
Paraded aisle by aisle to decimate.

Like Waldorf salad, shoes and handbags mixed
With bathroom fittings, bargains all, deep-sixed.
Tie-clips, leather wallets, arrow shirts
Were cast amidst the junior misses skirts.

The giant gobbler came to escalator,
And mangled it to shrapnel-cluttered crater,
Then leathery wrinkle-crimpled neck upstretched,
The upper story victims now to catch.

Intimate apparel soon was flinging,
But naught of naked pleasure was it bringing.
And any who midst furniture did crouch
Were soon unhidden by a flying couch.

Rage now piquing, Tom made final stop
Destroying china in the bridal shop.
With special pleasure, angry bird now shattered
Gravy boats and matching turkey platters.

The culmination of his rampage reached,
Tom Turkey now delivered one more speech:

“I, Tom Turkey, claim T-Day as my day,
And leave to you this bloody dark Black Friday.
Those of you who manage to find rescue,
Be thankful that at least I didn’t stuff you.”

Fun aside,  sincere wishes to you and yours for a fun, fulfilling holiday, and some killer sale bargains. 🙂

-Dan
https://https://rhymeintimeblog.wordpress.com/

November 22, 2019

Tom Turkey’s Black Friday Rampage

by Rhyme In Time

angry-turkey-300x290

Tom Turkey deals some holiday payback on Black Friday shoppers…

With gorge-fest passed or partially digested,
The brick-and-mortar shoppers now infested,
In search of bargains on this Friday black,
A day from which not all would journey back.

The mall was crawling with the teeming rabble;
For one-day discounts each of them did scrabble.
Unnoticed came the beast with ’Zilla hobble
Til it announced itself with giant gobble:

“Behold, you gabbling swarm of gnashing monkeys!
It’s time for me to make some gravy chunky,
To dress your roasted flesh both dark and light—
For Tom the Turkey’s here to set things right.”

As wide as Starbucks, nearly twice as tall,
Stood massive, angry fowl here in the mall!
It towered high above the human din,
And giant sack hung low beneath its chin.

In deadly arc swung sack as fowl fiend spoke,
But those who saw it took it for a joke
And carried on their eager ways to shop,
Assuming Tom was but elaborate prop.

Their nonchalance The Turkey more enraged;
Now war upon the heedless crowd it waged—
A single kick from massive feathered thigh
Sent nearby swath of dorklings up to fly.

Then caravan of carts with plasma screens
The bird dispatched to shattered smithereens.

A darksome den of geeks then caught its gaze;
They would be the next the bird would raze:

“You emo tweens now swarming in Hot Topic—
Let’s put your innards in a sack canopic
And boil them pale to make my gravy broth;
A fitting consume-tion for your sloth.

“And you, in search of latest model phones,
The ones which are of last month’s model clones.
No need to sweat the overage folderol;
Your plan is done—now who you gonna call?”

The beast unleashed new feather-frenzied hell
And rent the twittering texters, cell by cell.
Any who survived now stay in touch
With bandaged cast, and roam upon a crutch.

The angry avian sought victims more,
And soon espied the main department store.

…remainder to appear on Thanksgiving Thursday.

Or get the rest free here, along with other creepy kooky holiday verse:

This weekend only (11/23-24). Also available free any time through KindleUnlimited.

Happy Creepy Holidays!
-Dan
https://rhymeintimeblog.wordpress.com

October 29, 2019

Werewolf Fraternity

by Rhyme In Time


I guess it was just vanity,
Or youth’s naive insanity;
Whatever impulse led me through that door
The youth I was returned from thence no more.

An opportunity too hard to pass—
Big Man on Campus—I would get some ass.

If I had only known, oh what travail!
It’s true at least I ended up with tail.

“I can tell you’re just our species, bro;
Come pledge at house of Kappa‐Upsi‐Rho.
Running with the pack and chasing puss;
That’s the fun you’ll have. Come rush with us!”

There was a coldness in his steely stare
That chilled me to the tailbone; oh beware!
But I was all agog to join his crew;
I didn’t know he led the loup‐garous.

Continued in …

Still free to download until tomorrow.

-Dan
https://rhymeintimeblog.wordpress.com

October 27, 2019

Free for the Holidays!

by Rhyme In Time

Free to download (Sunday, 10/26 thru Tuesday, 10/28). It’s my wee opus of snippy, creepy HollowThanksMas verse:

Please feel free to grab a free copy.

And please leave a review! Your feedback helps me improve so I can write things that actually entertain. 🙂

happy-hellidays-alt-cover

(Background photo by Alirad Zare on Unsplash. Concept borrowed from Hieronymus Bosch‘s The Garden of Earthly Delights.)

March 26, 2019

California Reamin’

by Rhyme In Time

All the hills are brown,
And there’s a smog bouquet.
Everything’s too far to walk,
And there’s no subway.
We really need a storm,
To clean the air in L.A.

California reamin’
What reason’s there to stay?

read more »

February 19, 2019

Shameless Plug: ‘Back Talk’ now free to stay! :-)

by Rhyme In Time

Thank you to everyone who downloaded a free copy of my newest ebook. The response was awesome and flattering.

As a thank you, I reposted the book on SmashWords for free, to remain free. Please feel free to grab your free copy! 🙂

February 10, 2019

‘Till Breath Do Us P(f)art

by Rhyme In Time

My darling doth a perfume send
Each time she whispers from her end.
While I, when little spritz let fly,
Convert our room to stinky sty.

This windy paradox I’ll never break;
Far better just to smile and nod, preventing further quake.


read more »

December 15, 2018

God Damn It, Just Be Gentle, Man

by Rhyme In Time

Based on God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.

God damn it, just be gentle, man,
And down my package lay.
I paid for express shipping,
Not for shards in my doorway.

dropped-package

read more »

December 8, 2018

It’s The Most Horrible Time of the Year

by Rhyme In Time

Based on It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.

It’s the most horrible time of the year.
With the kids fricking yelling
While everyone’s telling me “Be of good cheer”.
It’s the most terrible time of the year.

read more »

December 1, 2018

Christmas Tree, Damned Christmas Tree

by Rhyme In Time

Based on O Tannenbaum (Oh Christmas Tree).

A Christmas tree, a Christmas tree!
In search of you my day’s spent.
A Christmas tree, a Christmas tree!
Search through the woods so fervent.

ohxmastree

read more »

November 23, 2018

Hark, the Begging Santa Rings

by Rhyme In Time

Based on Hark, the Herald Angels Sing

Hark, in front of Macy’s rings,
Santa-suited ding-a-ling.
Making clangor by a pot,
Begging for what change I’ve got.
Christmas spirit in his eyes,
Beer or vodka, I surmise.
All these Kringles sound the same:
“It’s for charity,” or so he claims.
Thanks to you, my head now rings.

read more »

October 22, 2018

Halloween Skull from Space

by Rhyme In Time

Spinning hapless through the sky like head of Anne Boleyn,
A moon-sized skull whirls towards our planet, shorn off at the chin.
Relic from an Easter Island on a Jovian giant?
Or Titan warrior’s noggin, lopped in ancient fray defiant?
Maybe by the Power of Greyskull we can suss this out,
Before this stony harbinger strikes Earth and gives us rout.

 

by Rhyme In Time

read more »

October 10, 2018

Cereal Killer

by Rhyme In Time

Here’s a Halloween treat in celebration of sugary breakfast cereals…

I knew, of course, this day would come,
When my career would be undone–
Consuming joy now in the past,
No more to feed but only fast.

read more »

October 9, 2018

The Omnipresent CBR

by Rhyme In Time

Each of us is a unique star floating in a universe of others. And none of us are immune to CBR.

read more »

October 5, 2018

Poppa’s Got a Brand New Bird

by Rhyme In Time

Popeye’s tired of Olive Oil;
Her clucking’s gotten old.
Now his bird’s a champagne goil
With pinions dipped in gold.

Popeyes_24_Karat_Champagne_Wings_2

(image from: https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/food/2018/10/04/popeyes-24-karat-gold-battered-champagne-wings/1509124002/)

-Dan (Rhyme In Time)

July 9, 2018

by Rhyme In Time

Inspired by the news about how spiders fly using electric currents (https://phys.org/news/2018-07-spiders-ballooning-electric-fields.html):

How does the tiny spider fly so high?
Wingless like balloon it sails the sky.

read more »

June 26, 2018

Azure Cat of Mars

by Rhyme In Time

Here is another decastich. These are fun and challenging due to their rigid rhyme scheme (aBaBcBcDcD) and alternating 10-beat lines of iambs and trochees.

Inspired by the picture below of a feline-shaped sand dune on Mars:

read more »

June 5, 2018

Methane Dunes of Pluto

by Rhyme In Time

Whose fingerprints gave mark to frozen plains,
These methane dunes so far from glinting sun?

read more »

May 10, 2018

The Font of Edith Morley

by Rhyme In Time

Across the street from where I work is Edith Morley Park. One of the park’s main features is a little rock-garden fountain. To celebrate the anniversary of the park’s dedication (and just because), here is a completely made up account of the fountain’s origins…

read more »

February 10, 2018

Overheard at Tesla Headquarters

by Rhyme In Time

Overheard at Tesla headquarters:

Elon: “Hey, has any body seen my car, man?”
Exec: “I’m pretty sure I saw it leave with Starman.”

read more »

January 4, 2018

My Button’s Bigger

by Rhyme In Time

The doughboy has a button that will send his missile up.
He gleams with pride just like a child who dandles brand new pup.

read more »

January 1, 2018

Nuclear Button on the Table

by Rhyme In Time

Response to: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/world/wp/2017/12/31/north-korea-leader-says-he-has-a-nuclear-button-on-my-desk-and-that-the-deterrent-will-prevent-war-with-united-states/

Fat Boy boasts of warhead button
Ready on his table.
Upon a whim the despot blob
To fire his missile’s able.

read more »

December 10, 2017

Again, the Season To Be Jolly

by Rhyme In Time

Again, the season to be jolly?
Again upon us? How appalling.
I missed Black Friday’s online sales,
And visits to the mall are fails–
For gift certificates I’ll soon be trawling.

read more »

December 8, 2017

Let’s Send In Dennis Rodman

by Rhyme In Time

Decided to post this one now because of this news item:  http://www.newsweek.com/north-korea-us-relations-dennis-rodman-741679

🙂

He’s buddies with the little god-man—
Let’s send back in Dennis Rodman.
It well could be the Magic Worm
Can charm the crazy Chia Perm.
There certainly are notions far more odd, man.

read more »

December 2, 2017

‘What Brown Can Do For You’

by Rhyme In Time

Saw this news item and couldn’t hold it in:

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2017/12/01/surveillance-video-shows-amazon-contractor-defecating-in-gutter.html

It’s shipping season–here’s a Christmas parcel
Delivered straight to you from out my arsehole.

But please relax; no need to make a stew:
Just showing you “What brown can do for you”.

October 27, 2017

Rhymes with ‘Orange’

by Rhyme In Time

Try to rhyme with orange,
A challenge that is fun:
Endeavor in which I engage
While sitting on my buns,

read more »

September 23, 2017

Piss Fight

by Rhyme In Time

“He’s a madman!”
“He’s deranged!”
So Trump and Kim
In piss fight strange.

They each need timeout in the corner,
Each of these unruly scorners.
Where’s the kindergarten teacher?
Asleep somewhere beneath the bleachers?

Do they think it’s arithmetic,
To seek out who’s the bigger dick?