Did they know me, those tiny souls, did they grieve as they left, for me and their lives un -lived. I grieved for them though in those days to grieve for that loss was not done . Yet grieve I did for those souls lost that I had been gifted.
Had I done something wrong , was it something I moved or something I had lifted. I suppose I shall never know. It seemed so unkind that the first one was lost while I was out. In pub toilet, I was frightened and alone my husband and friends on the other side of the wall celebrating. Was that soul as scared as me. God forgive me the inside of a toilet the first sight to see. I was mortified so guilty it was not even a shape so I flushed it away in fear. I bit on my lip to off set the pain I wanted to stop this but that was in vain. So I cleaned up the blood and painted my lips then tided my mascara smudges with my finger tips.
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Hidden grief
The rest of the evening I sat and cried inside , “your quiet tonight is anything wrong ” I was asked but of course I denied. I was gutted and hurt and slightly in pain but so so empty inside. When we got home I shared my grief I was met with disbelief. Not of the facts but that I had not said, well best not make a fuss lets get you to bed.
It was not my fault the doctor said “natures way of clearing away anything that was not perfect. A practice run”. He was so bright and brisk ,off hand I was taken aback. Was nature so cruel so matter of fact. I had done nothing wrong he said, I needed more reassurance to assuage my guilt but he only suggest two days off work and a rest in bed.
Did that soul grieve did it forgive me , I grieved for it for its soul and the life it did not see.
After the Christening of our first born , three years later, I was exhausted and so hot, mind you it had been a lot of work and I had put in my all not being one to shirk. Things got worse and I knew at once what was happening to me. I did my best to get away from the visitors , the centre of attention was not what I wanted to be. We called the doctor when everyone had gone he suggest I rest, with a young babe, come on!
I had lost one he told me but the other was still there. I felt sorrow, grief and guilt. For this to happen again it just did not seem fair. Try as I might I had only my self to blame I grieved for a soul that my body had denied life again. I thought I could feel no worse but there was more to come, for a few days later I lost the other one .
A quick D and C will see you all right you will be in hospital and out not even overnight. Yes that was true and my body mended fast but the guilt for these souls was something that lasts.
Time is a great healer and I know that is true for life has given me plenty to do. I have three children and they are all boys they have given me hassle and they given me joys. I have had my hands full but they have all grown and flown, well. I remember my mother whispering to me “be glad with what you have and don’t fill your home with boys looking for a girl.” I knew she was right but back then it gave me no joy I felt a big hole created by the tiny lost souls.
I have never discussed this in any depth till today, as when it all happened things like grief had all to be tucked away. I feel grief and guilt still, for the babies, there that is the first time I have said that. But one question still remains with me till this day.
Did they know me, those tiny souls, did they grieve as they left, for me and their lives un-lived. I grieved for them though in those days, to grieve for that loss was not done . Yet grieve I did for those souls lost that I had been gifted, had I done something wrong.
Poet's Corner 