memories

by billgncs

I received some advice on how to improve the meter of this poem…
which do you prefer? Constructive criticism always welcomed

New

browning leaves once tightly clasped
to branch but rattle amidst the breeze
as if to say, I was here, mark my place
lest I am forever gone

How glorious the shade of summer
where we kicked off our shoes and
danced sheltered from the sun
and hard harsh illumination

but autumn deepens as does night
and one by one they drift away
released floating just beyond our grasp
what shelter from a barren tree

Original

memories, browning leaves so tenuously cling
to branch but rattle amidst the breeze
as if to say, I was here, mark my presence
lest I am forever gone

How glorious the shade of summer
where we kicked off our shoes and
danced and lived protected from the sun
and hard harsh illumination

but autumn deepens as does night
and one by one they drift away
released floating just beyond our grasp
what shelter from a barren tree

4 Comments to “memories”

  1. personally I prefer the first one! 🙂 both are nice though!!

  2. I like the new one too…but I did like the word “presence” that was used in the original instead of “place”…I’m not sure why, but I do.

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